Felicia's relationship with her dad

When my dad was diagnosed with Parkinson's, I was seventeen years old. This came as a shock to me. I did not expect to have two chronically ill parents. 

Growing up, I always idolized my dad. I honestly did not believe that anything could touch him; especially an illness that would slowly kill his body and mind over time. The father I grew up with, the physically strong and able-bodied man, is now gone. He is now replaced with the father I now know. He may not be as physically strong but he has evolved and changed. I have found him to be more sensitive, resilient, and more open in our relationship.

In turn, I too have evolved and changed as a daughter. I grew up far more quickly than I had expected. I suddenly had more responsibility as a daughter. My father started to get high bouts of anxiety; something I had never encountered before. I, myself, have struggled with anxiety, but to see my father become so afraid to walk into a crowded room was uncharted territory. I, at seventeen, was now having to walk my dad through a panic attack. Teach him the tools to calm himself down. It was strange and uncomfortable. I then had to learn how to deal with people staring at us when we went out together. The tremors of Parkinson's often brought tears to my eyes because I did not recognize the man who had raised me. The swaying of his body, the shaking of his hands, and all of the people staring at us in grocery stores made me want to scream.

'Don't look at us! It's already hard enough!'

I was angry. Angry at the world, angry at myself for being so upset, and angry that my identity as a daughter was being taken from me. These challenges still bother me to this day. I still get upset when people stare at us in stores or even on hikes. I still feel uncomfortable when my dad has panic attacks and I am the only person there to comfort him. I don't know if I will ever be fully okay with the caregiver role. It doesn't feel right. At 25, I feel too young to be a caregiver to my dad. Thankfully, counseling is a fantastic resource that I have taken full advantage of. Being able to speak to a neutral party about my feelings surrounding my dad's Parkinson's has helped me to ground myself in moments of anger. My counselor has even helped me find moments of joy in Parkinson's.

My dad is an avid outdoors man. Since I was little, he has had such a passion for being outdoors. In the past several years, I have found a great love for hiking myself. When I moved back to the Okanagan to be closer to my family, Dad was thrilled to have a hiking buddy. I was a little bit nervous, to say the least. I wasn't too sure how I felt about hiking near a cliff with a man who trips on flat ground. He reassured me that he would be fine. So one Sunday after church, I drove us to a new hike I had found, and we hiked for over two hours. Through rocky surfaces, walking alongside cliffs, and even bushwhacking when we got lost, we succeeded! We had a blast seeing all the rock climbers and enjoying the amazing views of the Skaha Bluffs in BC. Dad's favorite phrase during the hike was, 'If it's not a bit dangerous, it isn't worth doing!' I have found myself agreeing with me as we have done several more hikes together. Hiking with my dad has become my moment of joy during the harsh reality of Parkinson's.

My relationship with my dad may have changed drastically since the diagnosis of Parkinson’s. It may look a bit different but our love and drive for life has stayed the same. If life with Parkinson’s isn’t just a little bit dangerous, where is the fun in challenging it together.

Felicia Gebhart